Assalammualaikum good day everyone :)
Has been long time since I last visit this blog. 7eleven today it s my 23rd birthday and I was unsure if I want to post this but then yea let's just do it.

I am working on an oil tanker ship, at the age of 23 years old today If you ask me, I would never thought that I ll be able to be a third officer because the word of ' give up , I cant bear anymore' came thousand times for the past three years since I joined ALAM.

At the age of 23, it s about gaining and losing game. I lost one of my bestfriends, I lose trust to some people that I closed with and I lose ..time.
You wont usually hear this from me but here I gonna say this straight. Today, I have money. But I dont have a good time. Those days me and my friends had not much money but on this day, we were in some places celebrating my birthday arranged by them. Each years I start losing those. Birthday is just a birthday : ) To some people it has always been that way but for me birthday was always a special day , a day that nothing could goes wrong . But since I was 19,zzz I dont even want to talk further also what happened on 7 eleven for each years oh Except for last year my ship crews got me a cake but still it wasnt the same cz it wasnt a home.

But Im glad that tho some people has walked away and leave the stains , and some pulak went away and return , there are still few who stay. This time is no longer be nice to everyone ea, it's whoever wanna leave, please do before you leave your shits on me. Those days yes, as much as I could I ll try my best to keep , to let them stay oh no more no more.

Progress? Yea still working like emm like.. like .. something2.. waiting for another 5months to go home. And recently I am working hard on the business that will be launched next year once Im home InshaaAllah ,so far it goes well but need to collect more money to make it better hehe.  Luckily my ship this time route Asia je so we quite oftenly got the internet so yea okyla I can work from here easily.

And! really, duit tu..  I planned to use the money for the downpayment of my dream car, Audi. But instead of that, I canceled the plan and use the money to start up this business haha. And and and, I have stopped buying and scrolling for handbags , so that I can use up the money for business matters. I even cut some budgets that suppose to be used for my engagement for.. business again hahahahahha #revealedisit ! ahh better use the money to get more money first. Bergaya later. hmmm kempunan  but it's okay la kan , sometimes you have to lose something to get something ( but usually Im the type whom dont wanna lose ,try to get both ) haha

Honestly, it wont be a good sleep if I start to think on my future. From other people's point of view there s nothing to worry for me. But here.
As a seawoman, NOW I  am kinda conmfortable with the rank, salary, and all but till when ? What should I do once Im married. What job and how much may I earn . Can I still buy handbags , cz husband wont get for me one. So if I want what I want I got to get myself a job which, haha what job. But if I work, eg 8-5 job how if my husband is on leave for two months and he ll be staying at home alone. Then what does it mean by having a family? And kids wont be able to see their dad for months and mom will be around only at night and Sunday. Like that ?? THEN THE END OF THESE KECELARUAN USUALLY ENDED UP LIKE THIS ' HMMMM BUT I NEED MY OWN MONEY ALSOOO' HAHAHA. seeeee? Now you know why am I coming back with business. Honestly, I have plans but you know one time you say you want to stay till you become a Captain, one time you say you just want to sit at home baking and eat and serve kids. 

Plenty times, I admit it's the ego. Thoughts of ' I ve gone tru sooo much pain to get to this so will I just stop here as a third officer , you dont wanna be a captain yana? that 60k per month  ? that 4 stripes on the shoulder?'  Then few minutes later I ll start thinking, its ok la I let my husband to become one, I ll sacrifice. Then few minutes later again I ll start thinking, ehhhh mana bolehhh we both sama2 belajar both deserve that salary both bla3 hahah I dont know. I really dont know. Till the time comes, I... I dont know haha. Who is Yana in the next 10 years. But honestly, I m looking for real happiness. If one day it is meant that I have to sacrifice my this and that for the betterness, I ll do. But one thing I always bear in mind ha. Dont get too over confident on your partner haha today he might love you tomorrow you wont know if they say they dont know you and leave you undressed unhomed hahaha. #kidding #noimnotkidding in the end like they always said to me ' kau perempuan, ke dapo jugak akhirnya' .er ke dapo akhirnya tu mungkin la ye la kan haha but my point is , as a woman you ll one day become a wife and a mother, and whoever you are, what rank you have or what ship are u working with, I believe once u get married, husband is your captain.

What else? Oh I have one dream that I always look up to but untill today , I found it so hard to get into there. It requires me to make a massive transform to myself which, I barely can do. so yea I know HE listens to me and will open up the chance for me but just that, I wont know if I have the time. Hopefully the time will come soon.

Another thing, people questioned me when did my money goes when I told them I still dont have a car, a house, okayla atleast a basic thing that most of the teenager dah ada, kereta lah kan. Xda, memang I xda haha Im still young mannnn so my money is for my family ,bla3 baru u patut sebok pasal diri you and lepastu ngenyoh nak kawen ahahahha. Ni pun,still I havent done much for them. Told ya, more money less time. #butanyway #ihaventgotmydrivinglicensed #yejanjibalikniambik

Thankyou for all of the wishes.. Wishing the same for all of you too :)

OKAY IT S KINDA LATE ALREADY SHOULD GET MYSELF TO SLEEP. Conclusion on my 23rd birthday, goodluck Yana in planning your future hahaha be happy be grateful.
xoxo,Yana.

Recently, I realize this. 

When I look at my Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, wow there's quite a big number of friends. Then I look at my Whatsapp chats, eh only few. It's less than 10 personal conversation , the rest are Whatsapp group and businesses. Compare to few years back when I had a lot of frnds to chat with!

Then to make it more obvious, was when I make a list of whom to invite on this one event of mine. It's a longgg longg longg way to go but I am a type that make a preparation almost a half year for every occasion cz for me I dont count days as ' months ' .I count as ' satu kapal' period .Ha okay back to when I made a list of the invitation , surprisingly I could only list very few, very..few! It suppose to be prioritized for my close friends as anyway this aint a wedding pon kan but the 'close friends' hmmm . I even cut some whom I already listed. Some of the reasons.

- Er, this fella. Used to be closed but not anymore cz he/she is actually a badass. 
- Er, this fella. Bila tak da girlfriend, cari kita bila ada girlfriend terus tak kenal kita.
- Er, this fella. When did the last time he Hi me. Owh three years ago.
- Er, this fella. Time dia nak business je dia cari.
- Er, this fella. Makin hari makin sial je perangai.

and etc.

At first when I told Aghis that I feel like I have very less friends now and I aint sure if it is a good thing or ? Then he said this. 

' I have made you into a better girl. '

And haha I dont know how to take that statement but I think , okayla maybe having an over protective boyfriend is one of the reason why ( sorry bro ) but I figured out that the main reason is, I DONT TAKE BULLSHITS ANYMORE. 

I used to be someone who cares too much on my relationship with other people. Too much concern on 'jaga hati' things like that. I have enough of those. I wont try hard anymore, it's the time to let go whichever / whomever that wants to walk away. I wont hold back , I wont be sad cz everyone now is grown up with their own lives so let them be. Kalau hang nak bla, hang bla. And wow! I feel much happier by doing that. 

Because you see ea.. What is the point of being someone who cares too much while others never even want to bother and appreciate? Bodohla kan? So Im waking up myself haha ! Less important matters, dont even get stressed about it. Last time I cried for days pasal get disappointed on this one manusia but , oh shit man why should I be sad about it. In fact, I should be grateful lah as one of the electron has leave! 

Family  lain, family is the responsibility.

The older I get, the more person that I found assholes. Some even , I called them friends. Today, I dont really ambik port lah. 

Yes. People will say things. Like, owh now that you have a career, bajet that you are having a good life konon that 's why you can say you dont care anymore.. Now can say lah ! But people do not know what makes us change. Takyah pening2 la, they dont even want to know the real things. They just love to assume. ASS U ME.

 It bothers me sometimes to think that ea what has happened to me now ea why am I hati kering sangat (  heartless ). This isnt Yana actually but to live, I have to be like this. And being someone who works onboard the ships, slowly without I realize it changes me and honestly, I dont like it tho. 

I think Aghis knows me well as he always scold me for being ' ala, nanti orang cakap apa' ( later what people will say ) ... Till that one point I said this. ' mampus la wea dorang nak cakap apa' .

However, I believe that we should be having a large number of  'kenalan'. For that I have to admit, I have quite a lot in all places even out of the country .Tapi nak kata dorang tu kawan, errr bukan kawan la they are just ' we know each other '.Networking in other hand, is ' bapak ah penting gila ' in living at today's society. Not all of the ' kenalan' are friends, so by separating the list of kenalan and kawan also , gives me a less headache life because you may differentiate like, okay this is to keep for? for business for example. And for this one pulak is to keep for ? shoulder to cry, for a friendship for example. Family is not in the list lah, family is what we should be keeping at all time no matter what kan. 
Without networking, it's quite a hardly living jugak lah kot. So, let's be wise. I dont choose whom should I friend with but I am particular on whom should I be close with.  Friends come and go, that's it. Yesterday they said they care, tomorrow ? 

Hi! Salam to all :D